Words

The effect of words on my submissive self can be very powerful. Asking me to do a simple task, not demanding, not threatening, brings out the pleasing part my submissiveness. I have this need to please. It comes out at work when I am working on a client, they need to leave satisfied with their treatment. I put a lot of energy into each person which is why I use a sage smudge spray between clients and there are crystals all over my treatment room. I believe in energy and clients bring it with them, some good and some bad. Holding onto that energy has had a negative effect on me in the past so I have created a field around the room to absorb the energy. Sometimes I feel like I should charge for their treatment plus being their therapist. Men your woman’s facialist and waxer knows more about your relationship than you do and then some. Yes I’ve also seen more whoohaas and ass than you have lol! No the answer to everyone’s question, I don’t care what they look like, I’m only looking for hair.

This new local Dom, who found me on the dating site, is slow and methodical, he says it will be a while till we play. He doesn’t take any push back, because you know I had to test him a little to make sure he could stand up to me. He took it in stride but didn’t cave or get upset, he just put me in my place firmly. I can’t be with someone who isn’t stronger than I am and I’m pretty fucking strong when I need to be. But I can be just as submissive as I can be strong with the right person.

So for now he is spinning a web in my head, giving me just a little everyday like a drug. I wake up craving it, wanting more. How can those 2 simple words “Good Girl” make my whole body feel warm and tingly.

submissive’s love

widow hug

Before Sir passed away he had a new door put on the house. He dealt with all the details and all I had to do was pick the one I liked. I’ll never forget the day they came to install it, we had been out and when we pulled up and our brand new front door was across the street in the grass. I almost had a panic attack because people sometimes park over there plus our original front door was gone. The front of our house was exposed and the workers were no where around. The housekeeper was in the house but the workers had gone to lunch. I looked at Sir and said I can’t be here, I knew he would take care of everything and when I got home we would have a new front door.

Well the owner of the company mentioned to Sir that he also had a window that he had over ordered that were the same as the ones we had. Nothing came of it because it wasn’t long after that Sir had his accident. Fast forward to yesterday and I had the guy come out because I wanted the window in the kitchen to be replaced. Even though I had hurricane shutters the window frame had been broken and needed to be replaced.

As the guy was leaving he stopped in the doorway and said he was sorry for my loss. Now we had just been discussing how he met his wife and how Sir had passed. Now if I had been a man he would have just shaken my hand but instead he reached over and gave me hug. Did I mention the shirt I was wearing was very low cut? I mention that because I immediately got the sense that he was trying to comfort me but at the same time feel my breasts. It’s a hard feeling to describe to another man but a woman knows when a man’s intentions aren’t exactly pure. My first thought was hey I just got a widow hug and if I had leaned into a little more I wonder what would have happened.

submissive’s love

female

I was touched by an Uncle at an early age while my parents were in Mexico. I clearly remember being about 8 yrs old and my parents had left us with a live in baby sitter. A young girl herself who obviously didn’t feel that she had the confidence to not let an Uncle into the house. I woke up to find him in my bed, massaging me and even though I don’t think he had sex with me, I knew it was wrong. I was scared and just laid there not moving, hoping he would go away. That is all I remember. After that I never said anything until I was in my twenties but I wouldn’t ride in the front seat of a car with him. Everyone was angry with me, thinking I was just being a defiant brat. I don’t believe this is why I embrace being a submissive because I can remember having those feeling when I was even younger. I believe I was born this way but this experience led me to some bad choices with men down the road.

A few years later I was sent away for several summers to spend time with my grandparents who lived in Spain. I know my stepmother just wanted me out of her hair at the time but it was truly the best memories I have growing up. It was there that I realized what power I had over men. Walking down the street in my yellow sundress with these wedge heels that had strings that wrapped around my ankles. Men would tell me how beautiful I was, I could feel them staring as I walked by.

My mother today says that she boards a plane with her carry on luggage and will act like the helpless woman. She says someone will help her lift the suitcase into the overhead and she smiles because she knows the power that being a helpless female attracts men to help. I’ve also done this myself, intentionally and unintentionally. I know my daughter has done this too, used her feminine power to get what she needs. So is this wrong, maybe but lets face it men use what they have why shouldn’t woman use what they have. I don’t see it as a weakness.

I find it very attractive when a man offers to help me and sometimes I find it empowering to accomplish something on my own. Being a female is complicated but drill down on any woman and they know the power they have with men, even as a submissive the power is yours to give to your Dominant. Like my friend said men aren’t complicated they want to fix things, they want to make their partner happy and they want to be respected.

submissive’s love

just me

Sometimes I just don’t want to think about anything. When I took this picture I was feeling fun and flirty. I reveled in that feeling because now my mind is always on. So much so that sleep has been illusive for me since Sir left. I would wake up 5-6 times a night and I got to the point where I was feeling sick and unable to do anything but exist. Now I found a supplement to take before bed and it has really made a huge difference in my quality of sleep and how I feel during the day.

Thinking has been a full time job, about every little thing. All the little things that Sir would take care of for me or help me work through. Now it’s just me and the cat. He is no help just very demanding. Heaven forbid if his bowl isn’t completely filled up before I go to bed or leave the house. At least when I forgot to do something for Sir there would be consequences, a stern look that said just wait to see what’s coming your way. That definitely quieted my mind, helped me focus on what was important. God I miss that feeling of freedom from having to take on the whole world by myself. Sir was my rock.

submissive’s love

Questions

As I was going back and forth with a Dominant, he like all of them ask a lot of questions.The best ones are able to ask about common things and slip in the spicy questions without it being icky. Sometimes I feel like they have a spread sheet in front of them as they go through a list of questions, interviewing a few subs at the same time. Seeing who gets the most tally marks to make the cut. But no matter how many questions are asked and are similar, in the end that personal connection is really the most telling.

So as I was answering his questions, which made me have to think, you can tell his mind works in a complicated way. All of the questions reminded me about Sir and how we really had very little in common other than we really enjoyed each others company and we allowed each other to be the best version of themselves. His politics ran more towards Republican while mine is more middle of the road. We had some interesting discussions but always remain respectful of our differences, agree to disagree.

Our musical tastes really were far apart, he enjoyed the musical Hair and would belt it out any chance he got. He also loved 60’s & 70’s rock bands. I on the other hand love 9 inch nails, Chris Cornell, Alice in Chains, Five Finger Death Punch and play it very loud. He loved sports, while I have no interest other than to make him happy when he watched. I could have my lap top, cell phone, ipad and watch tv all at the same time and he wouldn’t even upgrade his iphone. Drove me crazy.

The point is that even though we had so many things that we didn’t agree on we were able to get along for almost 6 yrs, never had a fight. I respected him in ways he never even knew, sometimes at night I would wake up and just think about how lucky I was. He spoiled and adored me, which will make it hard for others to measure up.

Then I wonder, how do I set aside what we had to make room for a new relationship? This would be the same question for anyone who lost their spouse. My guess is it will be similar to when I divorced my ex husband even though during our marriage we were in love until we weren’t, until his alcoholism took over. I say similar because in my marriage I chose to end it and in this instance it was taken away from me, with no ending to use to close the door on us, other than his death.

My hope is that it will be a natural transition from one love to another without letting my past overshadow us. Everyone brings baggage to new relationship. I want to embrace what Sir and I had and open myself up to new possibilities, new experiences and a different kind of love.

submissive’s love

Don’t try to shame me

So being on a dating site can be challenging at time to say the least but don’t get me wrong I love the flirting and attention at the same time. Most guys are nice, polite but then you come across some idiot who says he’s Dominant but when I drill down he’s not really. He leans towards the Dominant side of his personality. Sorry guys that doesn’t mean you are a Dominant. Being a Dominant is truly an intangible quality that you either or aren’t, there has be something there to build on. A want, desire or need that you have to fill, which is the same for me as a submissive woman.

There are those that play at being either but that’s not me, I have that need that I have to have filled everyday, not just sexually. My mind has to be filled with a Dominants needs, it is the very definition of yin and yang. For now I am getting this from several in one way or another that I have met through the dating app. Until I find the Dominant who I will commit to exclusively.

But of course there are those idiot’s who think because I identify as a submissive woman that it’s like what they have read or seen in the movies. This couldn’t be further from the truth and they should never think that I am some kind of pushover that will lie down for them. They don’t know how to earn the power that I give away to a Dominant, how to build the trust. So when they offer to send me pictures of themselves, nude, they get really rude when I turn them down. Then I was told my profile should be on Kindle and not on a dating site, I politely explained that he truly didn’t know what a D/s was or could be.

Don’t think you can shame me for expressing who I am and wanting to find someone of the same kind. I have standards and it doesn’t include your pathetic dic pic and your small unimaginative mind. The true Dominants I have come across can truly capture your mind and make you do things naturally without ever offering to share a naked picture. They know how to make you want them, infect your brain before you realize what’s happening and it all seems so natural. It is truly an amazing to be a part of such an experience, a privilege.

submissive’s love

Yin and yang can be thought of as complementary (rather than opposing) forces that interact to form a dynamic system in which the whole is greater than the assembled parts. According to this philosophy, everything has both yin and yang aspects (for instance, shadow cannot exist without light).

Universe

Before I met Sir I had visited a medium because I was curious and a little doubtful about things like this. I recorded the session so I could remember what she said and because I have always had a crappy memory. Some things she mentioned were accurate, some were way and other things were to come. Afterwards I wrote it all down and stuck it in a drawer. Fast forward to the next 6 months to a year I met Sir. He doesn’t believe in any of that crap at all, as he called it. About a year after we moved in together I came across the papers and guess what, she had told me that I would meet someone from the Pacific Northwest. At the time I was like yeah I’m really going to meet someone from across the country, right.

Last week I went back to see her again and did the same session. She mentioned that Sir wanted me to find someone and move forward, which of course I was going to take because it was true and another way he cared for me. We had discussed this when he was alive, he knew I needed to have a Dominant in my life. She told me I would meet someone but I was sending mixed signals to the universe as to what I wanted. This led me to decide to head over to the jewelers today and have my ring resized to place on another finger. I had planned to do both but I’ve lost so much weight, we will call it the grief diet, that it allowed me to move 1 of the rings to my other hand already.

She also said I would marry, travel and get everything I wanted, so I choose to believe I will have this with a Dominant because I can’t do a totally vanilla relationship. She gave me a name Steve, Stephen, Steven, he would be tall, helpful and kind. So I shared this information with my daughter and she thinks this is wonderful. Now here’s where it gets a little strange. I have met a Dominant man who travels between here and Michigan (where my son lives and where I am going soon) and his name is Steve. He just left for Michigan and has asked me to meet him when I am visiting.

to be continued…

submissive’s love